Musing on Friendships--(sort of long)

So I have been thinking about this alot lately...friendships. I am three years out from WLS and lost ALOT of weight (before the pregnancy I had lost 176lbs) and in addition to losing the weight...I lost what friends I had because I could no longer go out and have "fun" with them.

It wasn't an immediate cease and desist of friendships it was a slow and gradual moving away on both sides really.  Because in the end they were mad that I could no longer go out and eat greasy fatty sugary foods with them at any given time and on my end I was tired of watching other people eat all the foods I used to love.  But that was it. We never did anything but go out to eat or get treats and watch tv at one anothers house. And as I start losing the weight I wanted to lift the self imposed exile on my life and DO things...actual activities that required walking (gasp!!) and energy and never required a fried funnel cake loaded with powdered sugar! (Omy!)

And so my friends stopped calling...or I stopped calling them because there wasn't much left to do or say anymore. At one point they became downright mean to me and in all my struggles throughout this journey and in all the hours I have logged in therapy these past two years I learned I can not be around toxic people. I don't want that negativity in my life anymore.

But here I sit and it occured to me over the last couple of weeks that outside of my darling Sister-in-Law and my adoring Aunt...I really have no true girlfriends anymore.  My good friend that I have known from High School lives waaaaaaaay far and we talk from time to time but she rarely makes it down this way and I rarely make it up her way...so we keep in touch thru FB mostly.  And yes there are FB friends and I love them...but again no one who is my true friend...someone to call up when I am having a bad day and say "Hey, want to head over to the mall?" or grab a cup of coffee with them...and it makes me sad.

It makes me sad that the people I thought were my friends turned out to not be real friends at all because instead of supporting me on this journey they pretty much told me they thought I took the easy way out and I won't have that. We all know this journey is anything but easy!!!

Its not easy to be in your thirties and looking to make new friends...it makes me feel kind of stupid like why don't I have more actual friends??? Compounded by the fact that I am incredibly shy around people I don't know real well--and that sort of hinders the friend making process.  It takes me back to junior high when my father got custody of me and I had to go to a new school in the middle of the year. I had no friends from January to June that first year...it wasn't until I entered the school in September that I was able to make some friends...

I feel like that 12 year old girl all over again. I think to myself --I am too shy, too geeky, too weird, too quiet, not pretty enough or fashionable enough or talented enough or interesting enough for anyone to actually like me....plus the insecurities from fluffy me rear their ugly head too so instead of taking the first step and introducing myself to the really nice girl at church or at the gym or even here within the confines of OH --I climb back into my little shyness cocoon and stay safely buried. It easier and more comfortable than breaking out and making connections with people that do not judge me for having the WLS because in the back of my mind--I always have that thought what if they do judge me? And find me lacking???

How then to make friends, real friendships in a post WLS world when people you thought would always be there disappear completely from your life?? It leaves me untrusting and a bit gunshy about trying to make new friends...Friendships are obviously important to each of us...but when you are beginning a new chapter in  your life how do you make friendships happen that reflect those changes and bring people forth that support you and you can support them and build upon that??

I suppose with everything that has been going on with work and my pregnancy..this just came to the surface as something I needed to talk about. If you got this far--THANK YOU! I appreciate your patience in letting me get this out!
Anyone have any insights into this issue or dealt with something similiar???

Much luv!
Laura

wow, i thought i was the only one. but not because of the weight loss surgery. my friends have either died or moved far away. i never had friends with kids the same age as mine because i had my 1st  child right out of high school. all my high school friends were out having fun and i was married with a kid. then my kids were older when my friends were starting families. now my baby is in colledge and moved away and i am basically childless and they all have teenagers at home. 
but it is just human nature to grow and evolve. sometimes we are able to take friends with us and sometimes not. just be glad for your family and make them your priority.

I actually have my own friend issues.  I ALWAYS think people don't want to be my friend because I'm fat.  I am a great person who would do anything for anybody but I have always felt people don't want to get to know me because of my weight.  I know that this is craziness but I have never been able to convince myself otherwise.  I had made a really great friend some years back but was convinced her husband didn't like me...guess why...ahha my weight. She has since passed from cancer, and I miss that friendship.  I actually feel like that about all my friends husbands, maybe if I looked better they wouldn't mind me being around. I just had my surgery 5 weeks ago and am so curious to see how things change.  This is probably a topic I will end up in counseling for in years to come.  Lol.  My weight has stopped me from doing SO much, making friends included.  I actually was hoping that through this experience I would make some friends going through this same drastic life change. Hope it helps to know we all have our issues
                                                           -Gina

It's really hard to make friends at any point in life. I know I spent many years at a work environment, and if I felt like trying to make a friend (go to the mall, a movie, explore an art museum) invariably the question would come up "Are you a lesbian?"(Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it's just not me!) As if that were the only reason a grown woman would like a friend??!

Just keep trying--I found friends in the oddest places.

Best wishes,

I didn't read through the whole post but just one question. Define friend? If a friendship is based on crappy food, alcohol or anything other then a sincere caring for each other by people who share similar values then maybe it's not really friendship.

Most people think they have a ton of friends but when the chips are down they find they had a bunch of acquaintances. Real friends stand by you when the **** hits the fan.

Laura - I was in the same situation, but I found that my surgery friends became my best friends. There are several people here I am extremely close with, it's like we were separated at birth, our lives are so similar.

Soon enough you are going to have that little bundle of joy in your arms and everything is going to change again - You'll have "Mommy friends" who will be at your same stage in life looking for friendships.

Hold your head high - you are a great lady and will make friends! And YES there are plenty of us you can call here when you need a shoulder to lean on!

Liz

Laura,

I have gone through a similar cir****tance. My experience was with a life long friend (who also had WLS). She was very negative about my journey and felt that we were in some type of competition. I was never competing against her. Was I jealous of her?? YES! She had lost over 200lbs and had several plastic surgeries. She looked fantastic!! I guess my jealousy showed a bit more than I thought. Be that as it may, she and I are no longer friends. I miss her as a life long friend, but I realized that she was toxic to me and I guess I was toxic to her.

Most of my friends now are WLS people from online or support group. They get it! I still have a couple of great friends, but not many. I feel that a couple really good friends are better than a bunch that don't care about you.

I will take the first step. If you want someone to talk to you can email me @ [email protected].
I am a good listener, a fellow WLSer and an educator as well! If u want to talk on the phone, email me and I will send you my number...

Going through this journey means adjusting your thinking and opening yourself up to new things. Maybe a new friend is in the works,(that would be me, silly)

Much love, Beth

Hello Laura, again I say congrats on your journey and successing.....meaning it is still goin on...Do you go to a wls support group .....where you had your surgery?  you could be inspiration to all the newbies there and ones waiting to have surgery....I had surgery four years ago....had friends before and still have them, but so many many new ones since I go to support group for wls.......like Liz commented before.......I met liz at a her home, she opened it up to have a cooking class each month......that was three years ago...and since going to the different support groups I have made so many dear dear friends.......you need top Look, and go.....they won't come to us, we have to search them out.........and I promise you  you will find good friends there, don't limit yourself to just one support group there are allot out there............and one other thing....a true friend stays around even if the the friend leaves you kinda, then when they wake up and smell the coffee they realize you were that true friend and waited for them to get smart..........like you said you have a friend who lives far away, but she is still there for you.....where do you live and I would be happy to research groups for you.....I have met people at conferences in New York, Las vegas, etc. etc..........all wls........Lois

Laura, I have a lot of thoughts and feelings on the topic of friendship.

I have very few friends from early in my life. I FB with a few people, but it's more to keep in touch in a very general sense, and they live all over the country now. I was a shy kid and my parents were strict so I didn't get to socialize very much.

Early in my career, I made a few lasting friends. We no longer live near each other, and life has taken us on a journey with twists and turns, but these are the people that I feel I could call in a crisis and get some really meaningful advice. Still, I wonder sometimes if the friendships mean more to me than to them? Ah, that's the insecurity poking its nose out!

Friends came more easily when I had children - and I think you will find that you will want to reach out to other new moms via playgroup, neighborhood moms groups, or whatever. I had my children at a time when I knew NO ONE who was having kids (mid 20's but we were all very into the career thing I guess!) I went to a few meetings of LaLeche, registered for mom & baby exercise, got into a parenting group at church, etc. and came to know quite a few moms. Over the years, school involvement, scouting, swim lessons, moms I knew from work, etc. - all of those became sources of friends that shared many of my conocerns and interest. Now - that said - I also believe in my heart of hearts that for a working mom, one of the first things to fall off the table in your life is friendship. There just isn't time! So you need to build in some opportunities for yourself as you anticipate baby's arrival.

But again, very few of those friendships have lasted a lifetime. One of my closest dissolved during my divorce which is still a painful topic for me. I thought we would be friends forever - but actually, our sons are still close, and there is comfort in that.

When I remarried and moved to PA, I relied mostly on church to make friends. I am thankful that one 'best"  friend emerged from that experience that means the world to me - but she now lives in Seattle. Not to say I don't have friends locally, but not many are the kind of close, intimate friendships that you are talking about. I have friends to go to lunch with occasionally, or friends from book group, or friends from my writing classes, but they are very "pigeonholed" to those activities it seems.

The must unusual category of friends I have stemmed from an early online forum on Compuserve - over 15 years ago. We are literally across the US, plus in the UK and France. We shared much in those early "techie" days in a women's forum and ironically one of these women lives in Allentown. I see her periodically for lunch or to browse a bookstore but we all communicate pretty regularly on line. These are very wise women from all kinds of political, religious, professional, and life situations who I respect as being very smart and insightful on a LOT of life issues. They helped me raise my kids as teens and also were among the first to know when my marriage began to wither.

There is also a group that I consider to have been "situational" friends in my liife. People that I spent lots of time with because we worked together, mostly. Right now I can't say that I have a category of "work friends" - living far from my job and telecommuting most days has limited that, in addition to our work environment and climate being kind of unusual. Some of those situational friendships were wonderful in their place and time however, and I miss some of those people.

The bottom line is: True friends take a long time to cultivate. Even those who live far from me know are absolute treasures. You are blessed with family members that are dear to you, and that is a great thing - I didn't have much of that. Your baby will open the doors to many potential friends, and while not all of them will become part of your inner circle for life, there will very likely be one or two that become lasting friends. At whatever level a person becomes a friend - remember the old saying that people come into your lilfe for a reason and sometimes stay only a short time. That doesn't make them less valuable, or less a part of the landscape of your life!

I could go on and on....

I can relate to some part of what all of you are saying.  I was kept sheltered at home with strict parents, my mother didn't drive so I never got to go to school activities and such.  I did however have one "forever friend" who did move to N.C., and we kept in touch.  Our children grew up together. I lost her a few years back, she died way to early in life.  When  she passed I decided that I would have to make up for all the things she would miss.  Since surgery I have been able to do some crazy things that I would never have done, all in the name of my love for my friend Ann.  Since then I have not made any new permanent friendships.  I have people that I have met, but not someone who would develop into a lasting friendship.  Try making new friends in your late 50's early 60's, it's not easy either.  Couple that with the fact that I have traveled from Pa. to Md. to Tn. over the past two years, I feel like a gypsy.  I have post office mail boxes in Md., and Tn., have lived out of a suitcase during this time.  My son in law is supposed to get a job closer to home, which will then retire me from my child care duties.  As difficult as it will be to leave these three beautiful grandkids and as much as I will miss them, I look forward to the next chapter in my life in Tn.  My hope is I will be able to overcome my shyness and will be able to make friends in my new home town. 
You will be having your own little one to cuddle, and as others have said, it will open new avenues for you to make "mommy friends" take advantage of it.  You will more than likely form some lasting friendships that way.
Hugs, Ena